Remorse

I still remember what it was like.
And as I've grown older,
I still wonder about the paths that I could have taken,
and each separate incident that closed a door for me.

I wouldn't call it regret though.
I would call it a feeling of remorse, or
wonder,
perhaps.

There are two different set ideologies
that follow us to two different paths.

The first being predestination;
ie I was destined by fate to fail the way I failed
yet also succeed  the way I succeeded.

Or the second being each decision I make
unlocks new doors for my self,
and at the same time closes others.

So what I feel, is wonder,
what if I had taken the path that I'd took.
What If I had chosen to do something differently.

Am I feeling this sort of multi-emotional feeling of
contentment,
beyond that I've felt before,
and remorse,
far worse than ever, but not as bad as contentment.

I often wonder if in 5 years I'll again regret the feelings I'm feeling now
or maybe I'll stop regretting the decisions I've made in the past.
It's like a paradox of emotion.

But.

If you asked me if I were to redo parts of my life over again,
I would probably say no.
Because it's that mystery, that leap into the dark,
that makes life all the more worth living.